Attack of the Mutant Hippies
by Baby-Cellophane
Summary: Songfic based on a song from Hair. What if Mesmero wanted the XMen to think they were singing hippies? Chaos ensues, that's what happens, but it's funny chaos.


There be a premise here; and I be writin like this because it be late and I  
be without sleep.  
I also be reading WAY too much comic books; mostly Jhonen Vasquez,  
Spiderman, Batman, and The Uncanny X-Men.  
I also be listening to the soundtrack to "Hair" - which is consequently  
where I got me this acid-trip idea about hippies and X-Men.  
WHAT IF: Mesmero had some horridly fiendish plan that the X-Men would ruin  
if they ever found out about it and the Brotherhood would want in on (but  
would fuck up) if they ever found out about it?  
And WHAT IF: Mesmero was sadistic enough to make them think that they were  
(cue the gasping and sinister music here) SINGING HIPPIES?!  
Oh the humanity! Or lack thereof.  
Based on the song "Hair" from the soundtrack to the musical with the same  
name.  
Another note: I didn't really change many of the lyrics, and I take no  
credit for writing this song.  
  
{Mesmero has succeeded in creating a vast and insane illusion in order to  
keep both the X-Men and the Brotherhood out of his hair - they're hippies,  
and not just any hippies, singing hippies.}  
{we see a vast field of wildflowers and, smack dab in the middle, are  
several members of both the X-Men and the Brotherhood, all wearing  
stereotypical hippie clothing. There is a bong somewhere in all this, but  
we're not smoking because you can't smoke and sing at the same time. It  
just isn't possible.}  
  
WOLVERINE  
They ask me why I'm just a hairy guy  
I'm hairy noon and night  
  
ROGUE  
Hair that's a fright  
  
WOLVERINE  
I'm hairy high and low  
Don't ask me why - don't know  
  
SABERTOOTH  
Is it for lack of bread?  
  
TOAD  
Or like the Grateful Dead?  
  
WOLVERINE  
No.  
  
CYCLOPS  
Gimme a head with hair  
Long beautiful hair  
Shining steaming gleaming flaxen waxen  
  
MAGENTO {running his hands through Mystique's hippie-like red hair}  
Give me down to there hair  
Shoulder-length or longer  
Don't dye it, blow-dry it  
Just leave it au natural  
  
ALL  
Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair!  
Goin down  
Flowin down  
Nothin'll stop me growin my hair  
  
STORM  
Let it fly in the breeze  
And get caught in the trees  
  
SABERTOOTH  
Give a home to the fleas in my hair  
  
TOAD  
That's just disgusting.  
  
SABERTOOTH {ignoring him}  
A home for fleas  
A hive for bees  
A nest for birds  
  
ALL  
There ain't no words for the beauty, the splendor, the wonder of my hair!  
Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair!  
Goin down  
Flowin down  
Nothin'll stop me growin my hair  
  
MESMERO {looking on with bizarre and sadistic glee}  
I want them dead, stiff, lifeless, deceased  
Departed, ended, over, frozen  
Broken, ruined, finished, useless  
'Cause I'm evil - really evil  
But also really lazy, I turned them into hippies  
So now they're stoned and drugged-out  
Wasted, smashed, trashed, crushed, cracked, and defeated!  
  
{cut back to the hippie-ified X-Men and Brotherhood, who are in a mock-  
salute to an upside-down American flag that was made from newspaper  
clippings about the Vietnam and is hanging from a tree}  
  
ALL  
Oh say can you see my eyes?  
If you can, then my hair's too short!  
  
WOLVERINE  
Down to here  
  
MAGENTO  
Down to there  
  
SABERTOOTH  
Down to there  
  
JUBILEE, ICEMAN, PYRO, SHADOWCAT  
Down to where it stops by itself!  
Doo, doo, doo, et cetera  
  
TOAD  
They'll be ga-ga at the go-go when they see me in my toga  
  
NIGHTCRAWLER  
My toga made of black brilliantined biblical hair  
  
TOAD  
My hair like Jesus wore it  
  
NIGHTCRAWLER  
Hallelujah!  
I adore it  
  
NIGHTCRAWLER, TOAD  
Hallelujah!  
Mary loved her son  
Why didn't my mom love me?  
  
ALL  
Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair!  
Goin down  
Flowin down  
Nothin'll stop me growin my hair  
Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair!  
Goin down  
Flowin down  
Nothin'll stop me growin my hair  
Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair!  
Goin down  
Flowin down  
Nothin'll stop me growin my hair  
  
{the music stops, and the X-Men and the Brotherhood kind of flop in the  
grass, staring up at the sky and pointing to pretty cloud formations.}  
  
MESMERO  
Ha! My evil plan has worked! Now I'm gonna go rob a bank or something!  
  
PROFESSOR X  
Not so fast, Mesmero!  
  
X-MEN & BROTHERHOOD {in unison}  
Mesmero?!  
  
MESMERO  
But - but how?!  
  
PROFESSOR X  
Simple. I'm bald. {he turns to the X-Men & the Brotherhood} get him! Pay  
him back for turning you into hippies!  
{a scene of unimaginable, un-hippie-like violence erupts, aimed mostly at  
Mesmero, and, as the scene fades away, we hear:}  
  
X-MEN  
Robbing banks is bad!  
  
BROTHERHOOD  
What do you mean those weren't real drugs?! Give us drugs!  
  
MESMERO  
Nevah! 


End file.
